It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
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“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
*seductively corrects your posture*
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather