Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
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the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
*seductively eats two tums*
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
Whoa 😂
[loses house key, starts a new life]
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg