Finally a use for spoilers…
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When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.