Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
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If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
This pepper has seen some shit
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
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Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
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-running
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED