The hardest thing Vision has to do
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Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
this is the most humiliating day of my life
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone