me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
You Might Also Like
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
Pat is about to own someone
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest