Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
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People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
My zodiac sign is pistachio
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
Strangers have the best candy.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!