Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
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Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.