@rickkondell: Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
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@Brianhopecomedy: Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
@david8hughes: [baby wakes up in the middle night] "Go back to sleep, hun. I'll sort it out." [puts baby on eBay]
@SteveDutzy: I don't mind when a waitress says, "Is Pepsi fine?" when I ask for some coke. But when my drug dealer says it, it's kind of annoying