@rickkondell: Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
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@cakemittens: Adulthood - Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
@SodomyClown: If you're going to boast non stop about your pregnancy at least give birth to something fun like a puppy, a bouncy castle or a bag of weed.
@TheDreamGhoul: The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don't know why we keep having to say this.
@LackOfShame: Boss: Just spend the company's money with the same discretion as you would your own. Me: I understand. *bankrupts the company