@rickkondell: Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
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@panmidwest: ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again! MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You're shallow and selfish. I'm leaving you and taking the kids.
@Book_Krazy: Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it's like he never stops Priest: Ok but I said "Bring the GIFTS to the alter"
@Book_Krazy: Ok, don't let them know you're a puma Interviewer: We're very impressed! You've got the job! "REALLY!?! I'M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS"
@truegritrumble: ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT! SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN. ME: *defensive* They are our children.