Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
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Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones