Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
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I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.