@chicnlil1: Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
@bigmacher: A wireless bra? They weren't tricky enough, now I need a password?
@Elizasoul80: When people ask "what do you do" I try to seem normal by saying things like "Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there."
@RuffaloShuffle: Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to "Hey Arnold"
@ArfMeasures: "My friend got me a Fitbit"
ME: Oh yeh, heard of them, haven't got one tho
"u can buy them online"
ME [whispering] u can buy friends online?
@SuperJuanderer: If a spider attacks you, you should play dead. No, wait... that's for a bear. If a spider attacks a bear, you should play dead.