@chicnlil1: Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
@rmfnord: The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
@Home_Halfway: Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you're literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
@WilliamAder: So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
@Parkerlawyer: People that don't tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened...
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
@WakeVII: 1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Tell them your name is Waldo