@chicnlil1: Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
@weinerdog4life: Ugh, I hate wearing this towel while my wife washes my cape.
@BetteMidler: Congratulations to Janet Jackson for having a baby at age 50! When I was 50, I wasn’t even strong enough to push a child out of my way.
@SortaBad: Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Dentist: I've been sleeping with your mom
@notacroc: *Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It's important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
@LuvPug: Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I'll take it