@chicnlil1: Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
@ericsshadow: My fashion sense has been described as "They probably won't let you in like that" and "Are those your pajamas?"
@CrackedIllusion: It's been about 3 years since my last drink and I'm still hungover.
@QwertyJones3: "My brother's coming over for dinner."
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?
*brother walks in* "Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?"
@DamienFahey: The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
@topaz_kell: Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.