Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
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Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”