Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
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We have a winner.
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.