Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
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My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
shit just got real
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?