Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
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Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
ATMs should have breathalyzers
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
Just parrot things
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER