“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
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scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?