Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
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[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.