Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
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Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
Brb my Sims are getting married
Real House Wines.
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it