Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
You Might Also Like
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again