Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
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A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off