Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
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Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
wow he looks just like him
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.