Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
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I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
TEETH IS INNOCENT
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
I remember when things only cost an arm.
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
Most fashion shows these days…
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
That’s not how days work.
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.