Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
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“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.