@kimmie_1980: Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
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@Six_Pack_Mom: *watching husband sleep* Me: "I just love him so much, he's my everyth-" *husband snores* Me: "I can't live like this."
@crunchenhancer: What's the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses? Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
@Pro_Jones_: Boss: I've been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise *everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
@Pierre__4: If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve