Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
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I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.