@jwoodham: Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted "you go girl!" from across the street.
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@weinerdog4life: The first thing you'll need if you're planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
@bossy_bootz: Everyone's an atheist until they're making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
@RandomBest: "I got this." Translated: I most certainly do not have this, but prepare to be thoroughly entertained.
@XplodingUnicorn: 6: Why are we at the vet? Me: So our pig can't have babies 6: How do you know she doesn't want babies? Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch