@jwoodham: Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted "you go girl!" from across the street.
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@gojarbe: this brownie is so moist "ugh i hate that word" okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
@WilliamAder: My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
@briancthayer: *throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic* Wife: Hun, I don't think "flipping the bird" means what you think it means.