Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
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When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
My dad teaching me to drive
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
blocked.
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.