@BatBatshitcrazy: My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife. Me too, I replied.

@HatfieldAnne: Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?

@MarfSalvador: [Valentine's Day] Me: I got you a bunch of flowers GF: Thanks Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too

@DadInUtah: Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.

@longwall26: A werewolf is chasing you. You're on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.