@jwoodham: Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
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@trevso_electric: "Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we'll call you a liar." -insurance
@mattZillaaaa: Some people wake up in the morning & are all like "omg I'm the luckiest person in the world" and I wake up all like "oh my god"
@Carbosly: [in a bar] Him: Trouble is my middle name. Me: wow... That's a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents. Him: *breaks down crying