@jwoodham: Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
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@Jimmywibbles: *4YO and I slo-mo run towards each other* 4: I didn't pee the bed daddy! Me: Me neither! *big hug* It was a big night for both of us.
@BassoonJokes: RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was "layla"
@LoveNLunchmeat: Around my neighborhood I'm affectionately known as "Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo."
@notthattom: i talk to dumb ppl the same way i talk to a puppy... "who's blocking the exit?? WHO? who's blockin' the way!?! YOU are! yes you are!!!"