Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
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When you can’t find your friend Neil
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”