@BrettDruck: May he without sin cast the first stone [Everybody picks up rocks] Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin [Everybody puts rocks back down]

@LoneWolfStories: Her: OMG! The holidays aren't an excuse to stuff your face with whatever edible that crosses your path. Me: I eat like this everyday.

@iGreenMonk: I am sick and tired of people telling me to turn off lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I killed a cyclist !

@TheToddWilliams: COP: Do you know why I pulled you over? ME: I'm not sure. Over.

@PeaceInTruth1: I've never watched CSI because I learned everything I need to know about solving crimes from watching Scooby Doo.