@Sassafrantz: Dear Diary, men think about sex every 7 seconds. I do that with pizza.
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@OakHill_: Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize. Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer. Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
@bourgeoisalien: me: i should go to sleep brain: read every political tweet that's ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
@tigersgoroooar: just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”