“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
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“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE