dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
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Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
Finally, an explanation.
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
me 2 months after i graduated
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
happy mother’s day❤️