Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
You Might Also Like
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
I can’t deal with men any longer
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*