Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
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wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles