Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
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me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.