If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
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One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
real
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
My time has come.
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.