Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
You Might Also Like
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
How dramatic are you?
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.