Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
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“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
Google reviews are always so mixed..
when revenge coincides with naptime
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant