@HallowedCrow: DEAR ENTIRE WORLD: LIGHTENING IS WHAT BLEACH DOES TO HAIR. LIGHTNING IS WHAT I'M GOING TO STRIKE YOU WITH FOR YOUR CRIMES AGAINST SPELLING.
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@T_N_Crumpets: [Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track] YOU'LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
@XplodingUnicorn: Me: *explains idea* Boss: That's the dumbest idea ever Me:*clears throat* *repeats exact same idea in a British accent* Boss: Brilliant!
@kunalkamra88: I never understand why do people whisper at funeral's ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can't hear you.
@Parker_Simpson: On toilet in a stall playin TigerWoods on phone.eagled a par5.Crowd cheered.Pretty sure guy in the next stall thought I just took epic dump