@HallowedCrow: DEAR ENTIRE WORLD: LIGHTENING IS WHAT BLEACH DOES TO HAIR. LIGHTNING IS WHAT I'M GOING TO STRIKE YOU WITH FOR YOUR CRIMES AGAINST SPELLING.
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@mattgallo123: People ask me, "Matt, how do you do it?" , "Matt, what's your secret?" , "Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?"
@withanewname: "Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other" "Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?"
@KrazykurtKurt: When #EgyptAir announced "he's not a terrorist, just an idiot" My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.