@HallowedCrow: DEAR ENTIRE WORLD: LIGHTENING IS WHAT BLEACH DOES TO HAIR. LIGHTNING IS WHAT I'M GOING TO STRIKE YOU WITH FOR YOUR CRIMES AGAINST SPELLING.
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@Overdue_Bills: "Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight". - Why we'll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
@noduffers: I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you're looking for metaphors, I'm probably the grapefruit.
@DaddyJew: [buying college textbooks] That'll be 100 million dollars [returning college textbooks] We can give you half off on this pencil case