Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
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Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that