Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
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Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
the #horror is real!
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”