Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
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ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
Vodka burrito was a success
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
Matt Goss
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)