Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
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ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
marvel comics have peaked