@Marlebean: Dear future self,
No, you weren't robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
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@rockymomax: DRUG DEALER: whatya want? ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want? DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
@stephanidek: [NYE] ME: *wearing 2017 glasses* OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
@Swishergirl24: I'm white, but not like "has a golden retriever named Chance" white.
@stevevsninjas: So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
@sidneelyn: there's no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
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