Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
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*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
huge if true: the moon
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber