Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
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It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.