Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
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Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer