“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
You Might Also Like
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
the saddest jazz hands ever
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*