@ItsJennaMarbles: Dear girls that go tanning, it's called 'sunkissed', it's not called 'dorito raped'.
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@eminmien: "Do you expect me to talk?" He asks. "No, Mr Bond." I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, "I expect you to cry."
@JustDontBugMe: [Getting married] Hey, thanks for doing this with me... I wasn't sure how to operate the microwave.
@mynameisntdave: I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn't even have to talk to the person who robbed me.