FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
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You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
You know…for fall…
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
If snakes were wide
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.