Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
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I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
Things will get butter, keep churning
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.