“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
You Might Also Like
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.