“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
You Might Also Like
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby