Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
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[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
Another successful newsletter unsubscribe.
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
Happy birthday to all the women
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!