@mlccm: Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
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@MomofTeen: It's been six years since my job interview. I'm beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
@DebasaurusRex: Autocorrect, no matter how many times I tell you, I don't want anyone's duck in my can't.
@Mr_Kapowski: [Grandma's funeral] GIRL: *crying* BOY: Bae, I know what will make you feel better *opens casket to reveal PROM? spelled in carnations*
@Bob_Heller: I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.