[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
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Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
Cannot stop laughing at this
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
Somewhere in an alternate universe
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
the icebreaker
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”